My personality is not the type that will give up once I set my mind to achieve something. I even don’t let God solve my problem, seriously. I really don’t like the idea to just sit and watch my things and not work it out. I rarely get surprised/shocked with the result because it’s always linear with the amount of hard work I put into it. Most of the cases I don’t reach something that I want is usually because of I get bored in the process of working it out or I get busy/distracted with something else. I was pretty confident that all of my shit was under my control. *wow the amount of confidence I had is just…*
Until last year..
Something pretty terrible happened to me, it was kinda bit sad actually. I spent months trying to figure how it could go wrong. I tried to recall my memory before it happened over and over again to find out when that started going wrong. My pride and ego were really hurt that moment. I was pretty confident that if I gave all my effort into this, things would work out as it had to. That was what I thought at that moment. And things went wrong and kinda fucked up. And I was fully wrong about everything.
After months of trying to process of what already happened, I finally came to my moment of peace, my moment of acceptance that things happened simply just because it happened. Not because of I didn’t worked my ass enough to make it work. I realised that in order to achieve something that I want, eventhough the result and the credit go to me in the end, it’s not only me and myself in that process, there are many people that actually involved and took part into it. My Bachelor thesis for example, eventhough the bachelor degree is for me in the end. No matter how much I want to get it done as early as possible this year, no matter how diligent I can be, revising my thesis as soon as I get home from thesis consultation with my lecturer, but in the end it’s just not up to me. I have my lecturer a.k.a my thesis advisor who is freaking busy, government who decides the long holiday dates, and this mf Covid-19 who makes everything goes harder and slower than it used to. And I have to make peace with that.
And so does love, I guess. Cause it takes two to tango, doesn’t it?
I don’t like finding myself being helpless or fail at something without knowing the reason why I fail. But I realise that sometimes I have to let God and the universe do the work. Sometimes I have to let myself know when to stop and only hope for the best. Sometimes I have to let my pride and ego accept that maybe there is no reason at all why something happened. There are things in this universe which are beyond my control and that is okay if it gets fuck up or gone wrong once or twice.
This realisation also helps me humbling myself as a human being. Not taking too much pride for my achievement and start being thankful and grateful to those around me who take part for making it real.
Guess I still have the long way to be a decent human being.
Medan, 8th June 2021 02:43 a.m
Nadya Oktaaa 